Grow a full beard, like an evil alternate dimension Star Trek crew member.
New walkup music: The Imperial March from Star Wars.
Expand the elbow guard so that it covers all but 15% of his arm.
Go beyond standing in the batter's box to admire home runs. Carry a small digital camera and take a picture of the ball in flight before slowly circling the bases.
Push for the return of Sonny Jackson as third base coach.
Admit to providing a five-year-old Darren Baker with "the clear" and "the cream".
Move the recliner into the dugout and sit in it between innings.
Change back to his old uniform number, Willie Mays's retired #24. Ask, "When was it the team retired Willie's number? After he won his seventh MVP award, or after he hit his 700th home run? Help me out, I can't remember."
Make a large and public show of support for beleaguered team mascot Lou Seal.
Wear the same dirty helmet for the rest of the season. In August, stop changing socks. After Labor Day, don't wash uniform pants or jock strap.
Punch Tim Lincecum in the face, for no good reason at all.
In a live interview, tell Mike Krukow that he doesn't know a goddamn thing about a kangaroo court, and he never will. Then add, "Put the microphone down, meat."
Start hanging out with she-male, muscular type strippers.
Put together a new promotional "Say Hey" campaign for the upcoming season. "I didn't commit perjur-ay! Say hey!"
Begin referring to own bowel movements as "splash hits".
After every intentional walk, behead a live chicken and hang it on the right field wall.
Release documents revealing that, in addition to putting Jason Giambi in contact with trainer/steroid distributor Greg Anderson, Barry also masterminded Giambi's wussy deodorant ad campaign.
(Adapted from this.)
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